If The Flatliners are half as fatty as these french fries, then Imma stay the fuck away!

flatliner-fries(Image from the Heart Attack Grill, used without permission.)

Unless you’ve been listening to pop punk for the past couple weeks, you probably know that The Flatliners are Canada’s answer to Jethro Tull.  No, they don’t have a flautist that likes to stand on one foot, but apparently, they’re the least metal band to be nominated for a Juno since…well, since they implemented the Metal/Hard Music category two long years ago.  So says David Hall, he of the online petition to add Voivod to the ballot instead.

Hey, remember that time when an online petition to remove Nickelback from the Thanksgiving halftime show in Detroit led Canada’s most notorious musical export to be replaced by Bob Seger and the Silver Bullet Band?  OK, so that didn’t happen.  Well, the petition did, but it didn’t change a thing, despite drawing nearly enough signatories to fill up Ford Field.  Likewise, I suspect that this petition won’t change a thing amongst the Juno judges, even if it reaches its much more modest target.  Cuz hey, if petitions actually changed anything, Justin Bieber would’ve been deported by now.

Let’s face it, the Junos are a judged awards show, much like the Grammys or the Rock ‘n Roll Hall of Fame.  Did I mention that Jethro Tull won a Grammy?  Oh yeah, I already wrote about that…  Mind you, the Metal/Hard category at the Junos seems to have done a pretty decent job of rewarding relevant artists, with past winners Woods of Ypres and KEN Mode.  The only quibble I might have had until now is that Castle, who was nominated last year, isn’t exactly a Canadian band–they’re based outta San Fran.  Anyhoo, I can only hope that, should The Flatliners pull off a Jethro Tullian upset, their label doesn’t take out a full-page ad stating “The Fauxhawk is a Heavy Metal Haircut” or something.

Oh, and speaking of Jethro Tull…Blood Ceremony wasn’t hard enough for the Hard Music club this year or something?  Mind you, I don’t really consider The Eldritch Dark to be a metal album–but neither are The Flatliners, or so I’m told.

BTW, I actually ate at the Heart Attack Grill about a year ago.  I definitely wouldn’t recommend it.



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Seahawks/Stamps/Flames/Zags/Jays/Raptors fan and lifelong metal head with a beer gut and a self-deprecating sense of humour. Reviewer/blogger (Yon Senior Doomsayer) for Hellbound.ca.