Dear Tommy Lee and Mötley Crüe,
I’m Jay H. Gorania, a long time fan from way back when. You might remember me. I wrote you a letter when I was in the second grade in the early ’80s. Your address was available in the pages of some metal magazine. At any rate, I have a bone to pick with y’all.
Not only did you fail to respond to a boy who loved your band’s music, but you didn’t even have the courtesy to have an assistant pretend that they were you with a response letter. Screw you.
I’m sure you were busy in the midst of the sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll, but you wouldn’t have been indulging in the sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll if it wasn’t for fans like Jay H. Gorania supporting you.
I still enjoy the great heavy metal from your first two albums, and even certain song songs from every album that followed (Although, generally speaking, there was a lot of lame material that came thereafter). Now, Generation Swine was just terrible, but to be fair and honest with you, I’ve yet to hear New Tattoo or Saints of Los Angeles.
Tommy, I think you’ve disappointed me the most with the contemporary radio cock rock that has been your solo career, but what’s even worse than that was the rap rock/nu-rock travesty by the name of Methods of Mayhem. What the hell were you thinking? How was that ever a good idea?
It’s because of that folly that I channel all of my frustration regarding Mötley Crüe in your direction. I challenge you to a fight, not a brutish street fight, but a controlled one in the form of boxing, MMA or something of that nature. Even if you beat me, the pleasure of striking you even once would be well worth the effort on my part. But with that said, you will lose.
Unless you contact me and make arrangements for this battle by April 1, 2012, and unless this happens by July 1, 2012, you will lose by default.
Jay H. Gorania
P.S. You really need to write an album along the lines of Too Fast for Love and Shout at the Devil again. That would rock! And I’m still waiting for your letter…