It’s Kvlt to Eat Your Vegetables: Vegan Black Metal Chef’s Pad Thai

By Laura Wiebe with Adam Wills (photos) and Mark Coatsworth

I like my metal and I like my vegan food, so I couldn’t help but be delighted when earlier this year Vegan Black Metal Chef videos started circulating via Twitter and other social media: black metal aesthetics and meat, dairy, and egg-free cooking in a delightfully over-the-top combination.

I’m not much of a chef (the kitchen is not my natural home), so the chances of me trying out any of these recipes on my own were slim, black metal or no. But I do enjoy good food and good company, and I’ve come to appreciate the social possibilities of meal-preparation – team-cooking and team-eating make the work involved seem much more worthwhile. This proved truer than ever when

Mark Coatsworth, Adam Wills and I had a shot at concocting Vegan Black Metal Chef’s debut recipe: Pad Thai.

With a stocked cupboard, a diabolical implement or two, and an appropriately blackened soundtrack, we gathered on a warm summer evening to conjure a little edible black metal magic.

Mark Coatsworth gets kudos for the meal idea and the homemade booze (he’s an excellent brewer/alchemist!). Adam Wills supplied the ceremonial dagger and the high-quality (if not all-encompassing) documentary photography. I provided most everything else, including the music (lots of Darkthrone!). Inspiration for this account goes, at least in part, to the recent output of heavy metal recipe-book authors and metal-cooking bloggers. All credit for cooking instructions goes to Vegan Black Metal Chef: our performance was but a pale imitation.

“Cut the tofu / turn the plate / cute the tofu”

… before the tofu triangles were formed into the “symbol of the ancients” and the “sacred sign.”

“Crush those peanuts!”

The sauce starts with “a whole fucking lot” of sugar. (“A whole lot” or “a fucking lot” likely would’ve done it.)

“How to crush some garlic: you cut its head off and smash it with a knife.”

“Add some cilantro.”

Plus just a little peanut butter to finish the sauce!

Fry the tofu in oil.

And once everything is in the pot add the final special ingredient: “the heat of satan!”

“You must summon the dark ones into your dish by any means possible.”

Summoning the dark ones…

The result! “Behold the glorious Pad Thai!”

Team dining and drinking (Mark’s brew).

Vegan metal dinner!

All done!

(Oh, if you still haven’t seen the Vegan Black Metal Chef video, it follows below – The Ed)

Sean Palmerston

Sean is the founder/publisher of Hellbound.ca; he has also written about metal for Exclaim!, Metal Maniacs, Roadburn, Unrestrained! and Vice.