By Kevi H. Metal

Welcome to the second installment of the snarky, irreverent world of Rimshots, reconstituted for the online world that is Hellbound.ca. Enjoy them, because I know I didn’t. After suffering through this crop of crap, all I have to ask is: Sean, dude, what did I ever do to you?!

BURNING BLACK
MechanicHell
Limb Music

I don’t want to dis on Rob Halford too hard; he seems like a good dude, there’s that whole ‘metal god’ thing and he could probably dispatch gangs of his “bear” friends to anally attack me should I get on his bad side. However, someone has to take the blame for the hundreds of bands out there and photocopying Painkiller.
[4/10]

DEADWALK
Scandalous
Year of the Sun

Nothing is scandalous about bukakke and breakdowns anymore. People, we are officially jaded and desensitized. And Deadwalk are apparently jaded and desensitized to new musical ideas as well.
[3/10]

DREAMSIDE
Lunar Nature
Lion Music

When one would rather listen to Epica you know sumpin’ just ain’t right. Is it wrong to say that the best thing about this band is lead wailer Kemi Vita’s cleavage? I mean, that is the correct answer, but would it be wrong to say so?
[2/10]

THE DUSKFALL
Lifetime Supply of Guilt
Metal Mind

Originally released in 2004, Lifetime Supply of Guilt is a good album of thrash/melodic death from Sweden, but is there really that much demand for its reissue? It’s like a straight dude getting a blow job proposition from another guy; yes, it’s a chance to get a hummer, but that doesn’t mean he has to accept it.
[6/10]

HANDFUL OF HATE
You Will Bleed
Cruz Del Sur

Judging by the rampant sexual imagery throughout this album, it would seem these Italian dudes would rather have a handful of *ahem* themselves than of hate. After listening to their texture-less black metal skree, I know I would.
[3/10]

MISERY
Fifteen Years of Aggression
Self-Released

“Nü-metal” is dead. Long live “sorta-nü-metal” as played by dudes who were weeded out of the Jersey Shore casting call because of their violent proclivities and matching goatees.
[3/10]

NOSTRADAMUS
Illusion’s Parade
AFM

Fuck you, Nostradamus! You supposedly predicted 9/11, the rise of the Third Reich and the death of Princess Diana, but you couldn’t give us a heads up about shitty Blind Guardian knock offs naming themselves after you? Apologize to my ears – now, bitch!
[4/10]

SANDSTONE
Purging the Past
Limb Music

Sorry, are you a band or a tribute to Geoff Tate and Don Dokken’s inflated sense of self-importance?
[4/10]

SIX GUNS OVER TOMBSTONE
Six Guns Over Tombstone
Self-Released

These dudes look young and probably jumped the gun in recording their dude-from-Forbidden-singing-with-Iron-Maiden’s-garage band sound, but I’d still rather listen to this than have my taint fried by a cattle prod.
[6/10]

VENDETTA
Heretic Nation
Lion Music

Vendetta is the backhoe operator at the cemetery where metal’s rebellious spirit goes to die.
[4/10]